Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
