I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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