I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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