And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
