Will you blow on my dice?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.