Just cropdusted the office
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
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There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
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alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
don't judge my taste in strippers
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.