i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
this hospital has no fireball
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??