We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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