As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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