His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
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I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
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You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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