My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
