my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
