i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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