I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
