tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
