Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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