Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Randomize
