apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
