I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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