No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
