I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Randomize
