Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
