there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
