The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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