Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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