for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Boobs speak an international language.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
