No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
