he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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