Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
