i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
