she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
