When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
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