Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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