ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
