I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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