I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me