The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
19 Movie Extras Reveal What It’s Like To Work With Celebrities
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.