She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.