Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name