I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
