Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
