What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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