If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
