Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
