saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
