remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
