my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
