He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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