Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Randomize
