EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
