If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
