I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
