Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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