your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Sorry my hands just texted you
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
