So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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