ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
God, I missed his penis.
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