I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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