Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
