In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
she looked like the before picture.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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