I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
