so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
